Artery, articles, categorized, FRIENDS, LIFE, LOVE, PARENTS, PHOTOGRAPHY..., short stories, THOUGHTS

Note to self.


Will people understand me? My words? Will they read me? What will they feel? Relatable or unrealistic? These questions cross my mind every now and then.

I don’t want to live the kind of life, everyone around me are living. Scheduled, timed and monotonic to be glued to specific boundaries and limits. I don’t want to be those kind, maybe I can’t be. I wasn’t born to be like them. I feel like the wind, the air, omnipresent but not still. I wanna be around everything, learn everything and anything new. I wanna explore. I wanna know. I want to learn, be inspired. I also want to give, to teach, to guide, to inspire.

I can’t be stuck between the real me and the survival me, who is just being another human who is competing with everyone in this crazy world and society. I don’t want to prove or show anyone, anything. It never bothered me. Yeah, to my parents? Yes. Always.it always did and does…

But until when??? 

If I wanna live real, I need to speak. If I want an extraordinarily life, I should be ready to face the end number of difficulty and downs. If I want to fly, I should not fear of falling from high. I need to gear up my everything, my every cell together and energize.

One of the prove of my courageous decision was to get ink on my skin for lifetime. That was my decision without fearing for the consequences from my parents. I was brave enough that time, I guess. When I was younger, I feel I was more liberal and stronger than now. I fell in love without fearing of heartbreaks and disappointments. Whereas nowadays, a pinch of fear shadows around me all the time.

My voice needs to be clear again. My thoughts needs to nenefree free. My words need to be beautiful and real. So again, my heart could understand what it wants. I need to fall in love again… I need to live. I need to be free…even from myself, I feel.

Finding the real me
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articles, short stories

What’s my story?


​“What’s my story?” I happened to ask myself one afternoon when I had few seconds to stretch my sore muscles between the therapy sessions lined up for the day. “Is it what you pretend to the world or what lies beneath your scared and healed skin?” My mind questioned me. I was suddenly confused about the real story, The Real Story of My Life? The one which is hidden perfectly within the wide smiles and or the one which no body will dare to understand. “What is my story?” I am still struggling to analyze. He was the most beautiful mistake I had made in my life. Yeah, we were fools to breakup after 8 years of relationship and 13 years of friendship which was nurtured with childhood stupidity, passionate love and consistent care and support for each other. But as many great love stories end, even our ended. After all those years of memories, even hatred turned into sweet, innocent emotions. And now when I think of our relationship, of course I think of him every single day though, it was the happiest days of my life. Small things we shared then, feel like a volcanic pleasure now. It gives a euphoric and balanced peace for my mind and soul. I happened to be a good daughter in the eyes of society and my parents but constantly lying about my veiled life as they won’t accept the concept I was born with. They won’t understand as they never felt that way. I don’t blame them. I smile. I am trying to be a good physical therapist, caring and trying to add, whatever little or big things to restore their health to the best I can but the artist in me sometimes demands to paint, carves to write a small piece of story or few lines to inspire the world around. Lastly, I am trying to make myself fall in love again with anyone or someone who will care and love me and my family but my soul and body still pleads to love him again, give us a chance again. It gets difficult sometimes maybe because I have never fallen out of his love; he was always there, in me, in my prayers and my dreams. “So what is my real story? And who is the real me?” The one which I am portraying to be in this judgmental world or the one which I am carrying inside me, hiding and living at the same time. It’s complicated and complex, we struggle and fight to be what the world want us to be and hunger after the one we could have been easily without any pain, what we actually are. It’s controversial but I think, “At the end, this is how life is. This is what life is.” And we all have those two lives and the two worlds, the one we desire and the one we are struggling in. The one we are controlling and the one which sets us free. The one which is consciously planned and the one which is subconsciously created with the experiences and emotions. So like me, we all need to change our story! Find the real story. The real self as this life is beautiful and living real will make it happier and easy to live in. Analyze your story and once found, never let it go. Live the real you.

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articles, categorized, Daily thoughts, LIFE, LOVE, short stories

Mid-Night Tale.


rainandcoffee

It’s 2:36am, on my lappy and I am not feeling any pint of sleep in my eyes. It’s raining heavily outside. I just went to the window to glance the most romantic atmosphere spreading cosy and lazy environment. And I am awake. This happens on occasions now a days. Daily insomnia is been replaced by seasonal once. I am wide awake with all our random thoughts travelling across my mind, I smile. Many such tales are hidden and forgotten but lived at such mid-nights.

My heart feels you around, it’s beats fast and loud so you can hear, how it is missing you. I never deny sharing my emotions. Let it be through poems, thoughts or any random comments or statements, you are always on my mind.
It’s been a year when I turned symptomatically insane for your love and you ignore. Even today, you ignore. You are not changed at all. I like it. You know what but I am a new version of my own creation, I love you still. I miss you like I did years back and do everyday. But now since you aren’t any more present in my life, since you have moved away, I can’t and don’t want to bring you back into my world. just a hope one day you’ll return. I don’t cry now. I don’t get depressed.
Fingers crossed!!!
You know life is changed, I think of loving again. But can love happen by thinking or mere ask the brain tissues to fall in love again? I don’t think it happens. It’s not happening with me at least. I try because I am unsure about your arrival. I keep going because I am in mislead about your thoughts. I seriously wanna know what you feel afters years of ignorance? Do you already have moved on in life? Have you forgotten the craziest things we did? Have you been capable of erasing all the memories we shared? Have you achieved in your goals to vanish me forever from your life? OR do you still in love with me?

And if you do, why aren’t you showing it?
or if don’t, why can’t I see you moving on in life?
It’s you who had asked me to smile each time we cross after our break-up. I do smile when I see you. But do you do that?
Where are you? In which phase of life are you living? In which transaction are you stuck-up?
If you have, show me so I can try harder this time to love again or at least appreciated the one’s who prove to love me. And if haven’t than let me know, so I can wait for you till infinite…Yaah!!! I can do that. Only if you tell me to wait.

So just thinking if you have read our love story which I had emailed you, is now on the verge to be a book. And if you went through it, you might have noticed that their is no end to it. Last few chapters are just left blank and empty. because this is how I feel our end was. No end to our love story.??? So, what should I do, manipulate a happy end to it and start with publishing stuffs or should I wait for the end to happen happy in a real sense?
Because people say “If it’s not happy at the end, it’s not the end, nature has still few more chapters to add”
So what should I do? Write something which is not real or wait or write the new personality who proves to love me with acceptance of my past and present scenario because that person is ready to wait but have a deadline since he don’t wanna end up being one of my kind. My streets are waiting for you. Will you arrive any day, someday??? I am really confused!!!

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Maybe I am being selfish asking you to return so my book can have a happy ending. But this is the way I still love you. This is the way I still image you and me hugging each other in rain at my hostel gate where you waited for me to come back from college, so you can grab me in your rugged arm, place me against your stoned heart and say, “Baby I love you and can’t move on in my life without you” and than we live together and forever like in all love stories do.
But you know what at the end, it only you whom I can love again.

Sometimes it’s good to express rather than waste each moment living in confusion and questions. I could have mailed you this but you wouldn’t have replied and left ignored. It still hurts when you leave things unanswered like you did years back. But this is the way I feel for you. I visualize you and me walking in rain pouring outside. This is the way I think about you. I am being true. This is the way I love you. This is the way I am in love with you again.

point-of-view

articles, categorized, Daily thoughts, LIFE, LOVE, PARENTS, short stories, THOUGHTS

I don’t wanna regret later in 40s


So, today I met a lady from my society, she is in her 40s I guess because she looks quit young than her real age. I don’t know from where our conversation turned up to the topics I so much wanted guidance. She was like my answers to all my questions, which had been built up since years.
She said, “Do what you feel is right not what society made you believe is right.”
I guess this is how we all are living in with our lifes. We think about the society, we think what they what us to think. We fail to try anything society disagrees to accept. We always built a shell around us, where from out we are what they want us to be and from inside screaming to get explored.

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She shared, “I am in my 40s say, and I wonder what have I done in my life rather than just sacrificing things first for my parents and infill now for my family and children. If only I would have loved the person loved me in my teen days, may be life would have been beautiful not just livable. If only I would have accepted to marry with an intercaste guy, who was well settled and lively, I would have travelled abroad and lived my dreams to roam around the world and different places now. It’s not that I am not happy with my life now but the past came down haunting me now. I wanna live young. I wanna go beaches walking hand in hand with the person I love to be with, I wanna go for a long walk during the sunset admiring the shades of setting lights, I wanna smile, laugh and live…”
She felt happy with her realistic approach but somewhere she was disappointed for not doing things her heart had always wished for. She was at peace but was certainly searching for something to make her life loving again.
She corrected me by saying, “People are not really bothered, what you are doing with your life, they will say and than forget, so stop thinking what others will think, even your parents. Do what your heart says.” When I said, I always refuse to do stuffs I like only because my parents disagree to it.
She was cool with her age.
She was experienced.
She was delighted.
She was different.
She was young.

Talking with her for an hour, made me realize many things, made me clear in my thoughts, she made me think again over the decision I had made, I wanted to release my heart which was set in cage since long. I wanted to be loved and I wanted to love again. I wanted to try again. I wanted to express. I wanted to be real. I wanted to be me. I wanted him again.

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I don’t wanna regret in my 40s like her. I don’t wanna think sitting like her when I get older after few years.
I want to express my overload emotions, so I don’t have to get disappointed later.
I don’t wanna be sad.
Last but not the least, she said, “Always listen to your heart, it may be in your left but it is always right.”
I need you to contact me soon, because if you feel the same, I need you to tell me again and for the last time and forever…
I need you to be back if you feel the same for me as I do.
I need you to tell me that you love me still as I loved you forever…
I hope even you’ll realize that you need to express what you want. I did my part… Waiting for your.!!!

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Hope even you’ll do the same guyz, my readers.
Love yourself,
Love your life,
Love what you want and decide.

articles, Daily thoughts, LIFE, LOVE, short stories

“Panic love attacks…” Are you suffering from it???


A latenight text to my girlfriend.,
“You know what… I got d reason for my depressive love attacks…
Its my period weak,
As my dates approaches,  all these thoughts about my past, which I never wanna remember as I want to… always comes with a flashback… I offen think what it would be if there goes a month without thinking about him… he is gone n I very well know that…
But why this happens…
I wanna make my heart totally empty to make space for others a chance to get in… but as of now.. I don’t know what to do.
There still arises a question in my heart,  do I still love him or can I still love only him in future… but I know I can give a chance right…
I know am strong and all those stuff…
Like I have moved on… and all those bullshits words…
Bt am I really,
It’s like I curse him bt instantly,  pray that d curse should not come true,
I howl on him at certain days for what he did, but I forgived him long time ago…
I know things are like, he is the chapter of my life which is shut close, but there is still a hope and carve to get him back some day… I know I should not say this… but right now just feeling all this.. so just speaking up..
His status say, ” Go behind what you want in your life to get it..” or something similar to it… I don’t remember.
Hey, don’t think I am following him, just a side glance on the whatsapp status on my roommates cell. Ya she still has his number.
Oky so what does it reallly means???
What he wants in life??? What he wanted??? Wasn’t I the only thing he wished to have in his life in past?? It might be something else now I know…

My head say me “stop…!! Stop thinking about him right now…” but my heart still beats fast as soon as I think of him… he has that power you know…
Okay fine I know m boring you…
But thats what friends are for….

So now as I am done with telling all that was in my head,  I have a smile back on my face with the thought what will b ur reation reading such a huge msg.
Don’t panic, it was just a hormonal panic attacks of love, emotions…. so not only him, bit these days I feel attached with everyone around more dan before…. I think about you, manali of course, my family n friends in here…. but this one thing is so occupied that you know what now m used to this…

Just needed you to listen…  so my heart could feel ease… that,
“Ya.., baby. There is someone who knows the truth behind your stronger approach towards life… !”
That someone is you…
Thankyou…forever..
Love you
Gud nyt sd tc…”
Send to my girlfriend….@ 2:23 am.

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So what is this attack????
Love panic attack is the name I have termed it.
It is just like any panic or psychological attacks.
But these are due to the hormonal secretions which increases during the pre days of period, ie., menses., which a women since adulthood till menopausal phase under go thorough.
Just these thoughts get actually realted with all these hormonal increments,  leading to lose of control over the conscious spectrum of emotions in brain, which in relation leads to more carving for love, attention,  caring from loved ones and all those cosy stuffs attacts you.

So, there is nothing to worry if you feel nostalgic and irritating when these lost love thoughts trigger your mind and heart these days… just talk to someone close in your life, this some one in my case is my friend n yours can be your husband,  friends, family, any relatives or colleague with whom you feel comfortable.
Once you let out your thoughts from mind, as you speak…..
You will feel relaxed… and cooldown eventually….
For atleast next 2-3 months and the torelance period will increase gradually, one moment where you’ll be adapted to deal with it.
This is based as per personal experience,  just a thought that could be proved helpful….

By,
Jyoti7208.

categorized, Daily thoughts, LIFE, LOVE, PHOTOGRAPHY..., short stories, THOUGHTS

Love is really Blind.


                             After an enthusiastic start at the morning, we three were walking in search for a place to rest our aching soles and relax a bit. The walk on the sand was like someone was dragging down each time we stepped ahead. The sand has also being stuck on our cloths and uncovered parts of our legs and hands. Its was slightly irritating and shabby but the enjoyment we had, ignored everything around. As we were walking, we found stairs outside someone’s rich flats vacant. Some group sitting there just walked out and than we increased our pace to occupy that place to sit indeed.

                           We, (I, Mohsina and Manali- my besties i found during the bachelors) are in the same college and profession. We have shared many moments of experiences of life together. and I am really very lucky to have them in my life.

So, where was I?????

                        hmm, yes. There we placed all our bags aside and extended our extremities to relax the tired muscles. We sat there for some times gazing at the waves, the people walking around, few children playing and swimming on the shore. We admired few couples in love and some in lust. we are busy discussing each thing happening around and suddenly i saw a boy sitting just down stairs where we sat. firstly we just saw and ignored. later when my eyes gazed at him, his eyes shined due to the water in t which was getting reflected by the raise of the afternoon sun.

“Mohsina, see that boy, I think he is depressed??” I said after stating my psychological knowledge.

“hmm, lets ask him if he is in any problem we can help him out with.” Mohsina added instantly.

” Every-time I have to make the first move, not here okay.” Manali said putting her point.

“hmm… Mohsina u call him.” i said. and there Manali said ” Excuse me, hey u.”

                            but he didn’t replied. he was really down and sad.

and than I walked down towards him sitting beside  I said, ” Is there any problem??? can we help you?”

                         Till than we they both came and sat around and he began,

” I am Armaan Kohli , waiting for my girlfriend from 7 am in the morning( i saw the watch it said “12.00”). Till now she isn’t arrived. she had promised to meet me over  here, the place we met for the first time in Mumbai. Her name is Preeti. She stays somewhere near Andheri station.”

” Do u know her address? whats her full name” we inquired.

” No, I don’t know And address I never asked her.” he said in low tone.

 ” How can u be so dumb to not know her last name and her address?” we responded in shock.

” I trusted her that’s why never asked her. Just knew whatever she told and never had brought these topic.” he said and wandered if he is new to all this relationship and commitment stuffs.

                        “We are in long distance relationship from 2 years. I met her in Delhi, when she had come for some family function for few days tour. She was sister of one of my friend. She came herself came forward and asked to take her out and show her Delhi, the next day of the function ended. And we spent a great time together than. I fell in love with her. We exchanged numbers and than long day and night chats and talks started. We talked almost everyday and I just loved her each day more. Even she said she loved me. Last year, when i have been here to meet her. We met over this place and sat her where am sitting now. But don’t know why she isn’t here.” and than went silent.

                             After hearing his story, we realized one thing that he has been fooled all these months. And he believed she is in love as in reality she never was. She just talked with him on the basis she had no one to waste her free time. She actually just emotionally used him. She knew everything about him but she never told her any. She hided everything from him. And even he was a fool to not ask in the name of trust and belief. She dumped him like this and it was a shock. He loved her so blindly without knowing anything about her for around 2 years. How can this be possible? and than I remembered the people’s saying,”LOVE IS BLIND”  but I didn’t knew it was so dumb also….

                         We made him realized to get going in life whatever let the situation come.  Always try to face downs in life and hope for the best to be welcomed. We told him not to lose hope and believe in love but if you love some one never be so blind so that you can’t even noticed that the other half is not actually loving you instead just using you as an option. Be brave to except the facts and demand for everything because when you someone, you awe the right to demand.

“Love unconditionally, love exceptionally, love freely, love purely but never love anyone so blindly…..”

                     and than he sat there thinking for sometime and than moved away…

Hope he stays happy and out of depression….

 
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