Will people understand me? My words? Will they read me? What will they feel? Relatable or unrealistic? These questions cross my mind every now and then.
I don’t want to live the kind of life, everyone around me are living. Scheduled, timed and monotonic to be glued to specific boundaries and limits. I don’t want to be those kind, maybe I can’t be. I wasn’t born to be like them. I feel like the wind, the air, omnipresent but not still. I wanna be around everything, learn everything and anything new. I wanna explore. I wanna know. I want to learn, be inspired. I also want to give, to teach, to guide, to inspire.
I can’t be stuck between the real me and the survival me, who is just being another human who is competing with everyone in this crazy world and society. I don’t want to prove or show anyone, anything. It never bothered me. Yeah, to my parents? Yes. Always.it always did and does…
But until when???
If I wanna live real, I need to speak. If I want an extraordinarily life, I should be ready to face the end number of difficulty and downs. If I want to fly, I should not fear of falling from high. I need to gear up my everything, my every cell together and energize.
One of the prove of my courageous decision was to get ink on my skin for lifetime. That was my decision without fearing for the consequences from my parents. I was brave enough that time, I guess. When I was younger, I feel I was more liberal and stronger than now. I fell in love without fearing of heartbreaks and disappointments. Whereas nowadays, a pinch of fear shadows around me all the time.
My voice needs to be clear again. My thoughts needs to nenefree free. My words need to be beautiful and real. So again, my heart could understand what it wants. I need to fall in love again… I need to live. I need to be free…even from myself, I feel.
Today, while talking to one of my friend. I debated on, “I DON’T NEED AFFECTION TO SURVIVE ANYMORE.”
Even though I won the onversation and he was satisfied with my view. Later, my instincts started questioning myself.
And Yeah, I have to agree. Everyone needs love and affection to survive and so do I. Not the family and friends kinda love. We all do need them always in our life and I am no exceptionally different. But the love I am talking about is the soulmate, partner or the better half kind of which everyone needs in some walks of their lives.
Even now, I have a half blur vision of the person who will be with me like always (half has the image of the past). No matter how bad or good things or situations get, he will never leave me. Stick to me like a chewing gum. It will get irritating and irrational also. Fear, Jealousy , everything will set in but nothing will keep us apart. We will be like one soul in two different being. It’s cheesy but this is how love felt once and I know, it will happen again.
Even Today, after watching a romantic movie, I wipe my tears and smile like a fool, thinking about us and our love story. How beautiful it would have been??? So many more amazing chapters would have been written??? But no offense or regrets to anything done in past, may it be Loving you. You make me smile, even now. And that’s what reflects our love. HOPES HIGH!!! 🙂